When a child is enraged, they may behave in ways that make everyone feel uncomfortable, and which can frighten other children. This is a highly emotionally charged situation for everyone to be in.

We have all been there. Think back to a time when you felt incredibly angry. Remember the energy you felt in that moment? The outrage. Maybe something was unjust, or you weren’t understood. What did you do to express that anger? Did you throw things? Stomp around, say mean things to people you actually like and then regret that later? Or did you internalise your anger, seethe quietly and find an unhealthy mechanism for relieving this later?

However you deal with anger, the key to understanding this child is that anger is energy. And like any energy that we have in our bodies, it doesn’t last. It is temporary unless it is suppressed. If we are able to express how we feel and release that energy, it will eventually dissipate. My bathrooms have never been so clean as when I scrub them in an angry bout!

The same applies to young children. Anger and rage, like all feelings, are temporary. If they are given time and space to express these feelings, they will eventually subside. But if we try to shush or calm or distract children from how they truly feel, this sends the message to them that their feelings are not valid. And more often our efforts to distract them will only fuel the rage and it will likely last longer.

Children communicate with us all day every day through their behaviour. Remember, young children, are in an apprenticeship where they are learning about life. We so often have much higher expectations of very young children than we do for ourselves. We expect children to stop on command, listen, do as I say, be quiet when I say, tidy up (when they were deeply enjoying this game), cope when they are tired, cope when they are overwhelmed, share all day every day. The list is endless.

And in moments when a child is out of control (in rage or sadness), this is when our relationship and how well we know this child really matters. When a child is raging, we need to ask ourselves the following questions and take into consideration what we know about this child that may be impacting their ability to cope and self-regulate;

The answers to these questions will influence our understanding of why this child may be raging, and what we may need to do after this event to keep supporting them in their equilibrium and well-being.

Young children often do not yet have the language or ability to understand why they feel the way they do. Their behaviour and reactions to events and triggers are impulsive and emotionally charged. What they don’t need from us in these moments is lengthy explanations of what happened, or questioning about what is going on. Remember they are an apprentice human being. So they don’t necessarily know how to answer these questions.

Children in situations where they are feeling so strongly angry may also be feeling a lot of fear. They may have experienced situations that we have no awareness of that triggers fear also. When a child is feeling fear and anger, they need to see and feel empathy and understanding in our eyes, in our actions and in our words.

We need to avoid labelling children as “naughty” or judging them as a person by this behaviour. Imagine how you would feel if the people who loved you judged you every time you lost control or became angry. We want to avoid children feeling judged by us in these moments. And we want them to know that they are always loved and that we understand they are learning.

They are not going to hear or process your reasoning. The last thing anyone in a rage can do is hear reason. A child in a rage is operating from their amygdala. This means they are in the throes of a full-on fight or flight reaction. Nothing you say will help them to reach instant calm or reason. The more that you try to convince them of anything, the more they will resist. It’s instinctive.

Try to also avoid using placations that just don’t mean anything or are confusing e.g. “You’re ok.” Clearly, the child is NOT ok, so saying this sends a confusing message that the child cannot understand and which also minimises what the child is truly feeling. Try telling an adult “you’re ok” the next time they are clearly NOT ok.

What this child needs from you when they are feeling out of control, is for you to be very much in control of your own feelings and behaviour. Children in a rage have a heightened sense of perception and they will be astutely aware of your body language and voice. Sit on the floor reasonably near them (if safe to do so), with open hands and take deep breaths. Let the child know that you are here for them, but don’t try to distract, cajole or change their behaviour.

“I can see you are feeling really angry right now. I am going to sit here ready for you.” Be present, be calm, be neutral. You cannot reason with anyone who is enraged. Not even the most saintly adult can see reason when they are feeling angry. So don’t try to convince them of anything. Just communicate your support by sitting calmly nearby.

When they do eventually calm down, they need to see that you are there for them. A safe harbour to return to. Accepting. Non-judgemental. Supportive. Acknowledging

And let the child make these choices. Avoid doling out punishment. Avoid making assumptions about how to comfort this child. Instead, ask them. We all have ways we prefer to receive comfort and care. You may invite the child to help you clean up “Shall we pick up these toys now and make them ready for us to play again?” But don’t push it. Children can also often feel quite tired after raging. So they may need a sleep, or just to sit quietly with you snuggled up on the couch reading a book.

Avoid discussing this child’s behaviour in front of or with other children. They may be curious or concerned for their friend. But it is important to avoid engaging in discussions that may shame or embarrass the child. Rather, offer a brief explanation e.g. “I think Toby was feeling really angry. But he has let it all out now.” Children can be very good at supporting their peers and offering to bring them back into play. So if this naturally occurs, ask the child if he feels ready to play again.

Like any area of practice, how you are going to respond to children’s communication behaviour needs to be discussed as a team. Talk together and develop agreed strategies for guiding and supporting children’s authentic expression of strong emotions that are based on research, best practice guidelines and your centre’s philosophy. Keep learning and growing in your practices as a team in the best interests of the children you care for.

If this is persistent repeated behaviour you may need to record observations and try to understand any patterns or triggers. Are there any particular times of the day, or situations that trigger this behaviour for this child?

Develop a written “care plan” in consultation with the child’s family (rather than a behaviour plan which insinuates that the behaviour needs changing when what the child really needs is care and support in their learning).

Seek professional external help if a child’s raging persists, or you feel they may be at risk. Educators are advocates for children, and we have a responsibility as professionals to seek further help when the strategies we have been working with over a period of time are not working or we feel that a child needs more expert help.

Our goal as early years educators is to help children to learn healthy strategies for dealing with their own emotions. Our actions and responses to these situations can have a huge impact on a child’s developing self-belief, trust in others, and understanding that it is perfectly acceptable to have strong feelings. If we can support children in their early years to develop self-regulation and the ability to be authentic in their feelings, then they have a stronger chance of growing into teenagers and adults who have the strategies for honest, healthy self-management.

And wouldn’t we all prefer to live with those adults in our lives?

When troublesome behaviour continues and continues https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/06/when-troublesome-behavior-continues-and-continues/